Thursday, April 26, 2012

20. Torn

In attempt to help Scott's lungs to rid themselves of mucus, they turned him on his belly today. In attempt to help me fight my fears I energetically rub his back, now available to me. I cover it with kisses and tears. Then I pull myself together and with my best commanding voice I tell him that he needs to fight the bacteria in his lungs, he needs to wake up, he needs to be a Dad to my children. If only he could see how babies call his name pointing at his photograph, how his shaggy head David boy is praying for him, how much pain there is in his daughter's eyes, he would surely come back. Please, know how much you are needed here, how strongly you are loved, so, fight for your life, for your loved ones, for those praying for you!


1 August 2011 - Monday


O2 required - 65%, O2 in blood - 96%.


This is torture. To sit and watch the machine that jumps from 97 to 94 to 96. Please, just don't go downhill! "Le même que hier," - said the nurse. The same is yesterday. Ok, just keep at it, my love.


This emotional strain is so great that I can't understand looking back, how in the world was it possible for me to last this long?! It's the beginning of week 6 in ICU for Scott and me. I am so torn between my love and devotion to Scott, my mad loneliness and my sweet little munchkins back home. I can't wait when the day comes and I can squeeze them tight in my arms, and wipe their tears, and change their diapers, and listen to their stories... I hope, oh, how I hope that Scott will also be by my side. I so want my children to have their Father! They miss him and love him like no one else in the world. And I know that Scott loves them more than anything. With him they are safe. And I am loved... 


As I ride my bus up and down the hill roads to the hospital, I see moms sitting at the playground watching their kids play and I think to myself: "What a luxury it is to lead a normal life like that." I am going nuts how much I miss my life at home with Scott and the kids. I love them all so much. Please, help us be together soon. 



Posted by at
Labels: , ,

1 comment:

  1. CarolFApril 26, 2012 at 6:23 PM

    And those moms didn't have a clue what you were going through. My dad was right when after being a bishop for six years he said, "If you treat everyone you meet as though they were going through something very difficult, most of the time you would be right." Your difficulty was extreme.

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)