17. Ground Zero

July 25 - Monday


It's that feeling again. It's what I was feeling like exactly 4 weeks ago when Scott just got to the hospital. It's the feeling that caused my knees to tremble, my chest to burn, my stomach to stick to my back, and my back to hunch and curl me up into a knot of despair. We are again at ground zero.

Scott's persistent, resistant infection is back and has mutated into an even stronger creature. In addition, he has a problem with gas exchange in his lungs which initially defines a new case of ARDS. All over again!!! Plus pneumonia. Plus total dependency on a c-pap machine that's turned on to 80%. Blood O2 is 95, amt. of breaths - 28.

Another crisis. What can I say? The fall is hard after I've been reassured by the ICU head doctor (not Dr. Goubauex), who predicted that by the end of this week, we'll be on the way to Germany.

What am I going to tell the kids?! This is so hard! This is beyond my capacity to cope. I am so weak, my body is trembling, I seem to have lost my ability to relax. Even physically exhausting myself by long walks between the visiting hours, I not only stopped eating but sleeping as well.

July 26 - Tuesday


As of this morning Scott is re-intubated and on life support. His ventilator reading is at a horrifying 100%.  The lady doctor showed me his bad chest x-ray on the computer. She matter-of-factly stated that there are only 2 other antibiotics left to try for this particular bacteria. And what, if they don't work? Then, most likely, it's - septic shock. To me it sounded like DEATH. I burst in tears and she realized how vulnerable I am to hearing such terrible update. She took me by my shoulders, and made me look her in the eye. In her straightforward English, she said:

"You are too pessimistic! You should not lose hope! We don't! Those are strong antibiotics and they should help! But you must be prepared, it's going to take a long time, and after he is better, he will be very... (she searched for the word in her mind), very ... fragile."

"I don't care, I just want him to live!!!"- I cried out.

She gave me a hug and then she asked me if I can sleep ok.

That day, I was leaving the hospital with a prescription strength anti-depressant. Something I never thought I'd have to take. EVER! But that was my only way to keep my hands from shaking and to help me get some sleep.

So, it's our last big fight. I trust in the Lord to save Scott. Last night, Scott told me how much he wanted to go home.

God is merciful. I will wait on the Lord. I will see His miracles! I will be with Scottie again! In this life.