19. Nearer My God To Thee

Last night I had a scary dream, which I don't even want to recollect but I will:


Scott died. I was at the viewing at Church. There were some people he worked with and my Russian girl-friend from Garmisch. As they were ready to put a lid on his coffin and move him from the room, I noticed something nobody else seemed to notice: Scott folded his arm and tapped on the side of the coffin as to let us know that he isn't dead. I started telling everyone what I just saw, that something is wrong, that they should not take him, but no one seemed to believe me. I was in panic and tried to stop them, and then I woke up.


It was only 4:55 am. My heart was pounding so hard, I was in cold sweat sitting on my bed, terrified. I was so afraid to close my eyes and see the same dream again. But I knew I had to get more sleep if I don't want to end up in that ICU myself.


I really wanted to resist the temptation to take Valium, cause it was scary how quickly I was becoming addicted to it. I lied down, trying to summon happy thoughts and images, when I heard this "BZZZ" coming out of my phone. I reached for it and saw that it's the Skype message from my sister Ksenia: "Ul?"


Now, how in the world did she know to talk to me when I desperately needed someone's comfort. I called her right away and told her of my scary nightmare. She immediately knew how to interpret it in a rather positive way. She even quoted Doctrine and Covenants verse for my comfort. Then we just chatted nonsense until I floated away in my sleep.


She was my little miracle that night. One of so many lately. I so appreciate these windows of heaven opening up here and there at just the right time.


Maybe, this trial should go on a little longer so there would be a part to play for other people in bringing us all closer to each other and to God.


Like my Dad, maybe. I talked to him on Skype last night and of course, I asked him to go to Church and pray for Scott. He said:


"I do! I even went to all the Russian Orthodox and Catholic churches in St. Petersburg."


"Oh, Daddy!" I said, "Why? You just need to go to our Ward in Kolpino and ask our brothers and sisters to pray for Scott. They know him, they love him. It's thanks to him that they are all there. Please, just go to our Branch, so that they can support you as well."


And he did. He started going to Church.


I can't even imagine how many pryers were said on behalf of Scott. People from all over the world were sending me messages about thinking of us and putting Scott's name in Temples in at least 20 different countries. People from Triathlon community were sending well wishes as well.


How can I explain, that even in my crumbling world I felt that angels were literally picking me up and giving me strength to keep on going. Utterly alone and often scared I felt God's love stronger than ever before. Accompanying my husband through this difficult journey I've come close to the vail of our physical existence. I could feel God so strongly and even see his hand.


I realized that that kind of buzz I heard the other night, could be from the hospital, informing me that Scott had passed away. It is interesting that sometimes I thought that I could handle that kind of news after all. Because I knew God was real.